England 1-1 USA

David Cameron was held responsible for Englands failure to beat the Yanks today, after it was revealed Fabio Capello had asked to borrow his crazy ideas machine, and the bugger had no batteries in it.
England went 1-0 up after 4 minutes, when brick shithouse Emile Heskey slid a pass into naughty rascal Steven Gerrard, who placed the ball past the american goal tender Tim Howard. Capello was fuming, as this clearly wasn't a crazy idea. In fact early goals had been scored all day. Capello's fears were justified when Landon Donavon passed the ball to "Englands number 6" Robert Green, who picked the ball up, juggled it for a little bit and threw it in his net. This was one crazy idea Capello wanted to forget.

After a team building exercise at half time (beat the shit out of Robert Green), England knew they needed to score. This was echoed by commentater Clive Tyldesley, who claimed "a goal will help". Unfortunatly, the goal naver came, despite long periods of domination. Heskey came close, before remembering he's shit, and shot at the goal tender, rather than at the "goalnet area". A hopeful ball into an uncharacteristicly crap Wayne Rooney wasn't met by the head that has carried Manchester United for pretty much the whole season as anticipated.
A last minute cameo appearence by Manchester United starlet Own Goal was in vein, and the match ended with the vuvuzelas drowned out by boos from that Portsmouth fan with the tatoos.

So, 1-1. There is much to take from this match however. Like Shaun Wright-Phillips should never play football again. And Emile Heskey should spend a few more hours in shooting practice.

England face Algeria next friday. Lets hope they win that, eh?